Unexplained Chaos

Back From Beyond

We survived the holidays, barely.  Drank a lot and got colds and stayed in hiding as much as possible.  We are starting to come out of our funk and we're getting more serious about adoption We spoke to some friends who are adopting even though they have kids of their own.  It was interesting to hear their take on it.  I have to admit, I am still harboring the very small hope that I might get pregnant.  I think after a few more months of getting my period, I'll get over that. 

Also, I feel like a jerk because my co-worker, the one who did IVF at the same time as me and got pregnant, just had a miscarriage and is having a D&C.  I have had a hard time being around her knowing she was pregnant.  I wasn't mean but I was a bit frosty to her.  I feel so bad for her, having been there myself (although having an ectopic and losing a fallopian tube is not exactly the same).  It's the feeling of having been so close and then having it snatched away that is so painful.  Life is just plain crazy.

My RE never responded to my note.  No big shocker there.  I did find it amusing, in an ironic way, that the clinic sent a letter informing patients of their new location, just across the street from where they are now.  Don't think I'll be putting it in my address book as I highly doubt I will ever step foot in that place again.

The countdown is on until my 39th birthday.  Woo-hoo.  Can't wait.  Hubby is out of town, and I mean WAY out of town, halfway across the globe, so I'm going out to dinner with my oldest friend and plan to drink some really nice wine and pretend it's my 22nd birthday.  One can dream, can't one?

Correct Me If I'm Wrong

I'm still here, still angry and still bitter.  I sent a slightly revised version of the letter I posted to my RE.  I really don't care if he responds, but it will be interesting from a social psychology standpoint to see if he does. 

My co-worker, the one who I encouraged to go to a different clinic for IVF (not the same clinic, but another very good one) and who is now pregnant, met my husband at the huge holiday party that our corporate parent company holds every year.  The place was a zoo, and we only saw them in passing.  She was with her husband so we exchanged quick introductions.  When she met Hubby, she said hello, then, according to him, patted her belly and smiled, as if to say, "I'm the pregnant one."  It was so quick that I missed it and Hubby told me about it right after.  I was appalled.  Would you make an inside joke to your co-worker's husband when you know that they tried and failed to get pregnant for the umpteenth time and your co-worker is very upset?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but that was incredibly inappropriate. 

Ahh, the life of an infertile.  It really doesn't get much better than this.

Slogans for T-Shirts

Here are my new slogans.  I'm thinking of having t-shirts made up:

• "It Only Takes One Egg" Is A Crock of Shit
• IVF Or Throwing Your Money Down the Toilet?  You Decide.
• The Next Person Who Says, "Well, I Have A Friend Who..." Will End Up Dead
• "You Never Know" Is NOT A Nice Thing to Say To An Infertile
• Barren and Bitter

But my favorite is:

• I Did IVF And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

Enough said. 

Letter to my RE

Dear Dr. ____________,

I'm sure that you know that my pregnancy blood test on 12/07/06 was negative.

Of course, I was very disappointed. To add insult to injury, I received the news from an IVF nurse who doesn't know me from a hole in the wall. After 1 laparoscopy, 2 IUIs, 3 IVFs, not to mention approximately $20,000, it would have been better to hear the news directly from you as my doctor of almost 4 years. Perhaps you were on vacation, busy, or couldn't be bothered?

I'm writing to tell you this not because I want or need you to call me now, but because I hope that, in the future, you will treat your patients with more respect. If I have learned anything from this experience, it's that human kindness makes the difficult times a little bit easier to bear.

Sincerely,
Lisa

What I want to write is: You jerk. Since you know that I probably won't be coming back and spending more money, you couldn't be bothered to call me personally, especially with bad news. The only sick satisfaction I have now is that I won't be contributing to your success rate or your bank account or your golf membership.

But, I'm not that kind of person. And I do hope that next time he thinks twice about being such a castrated coward. Besides,I guess if I won the lottery tomorrow, I might try IVF again, knowing that I hadn't wasted another dime of my own money. HAHAHAHOOHEEHEE. Okay, I'm done laughing.

The Fat Lady Sings

It over. I'm not pregnant. My RE didn't even have the balls to call me himself, which he has done all the previous times, maybe because those times he knew I'd probably be back for more. Now that there's no hope, he probably thought, "Why bother?" When the nurse started the usual spiel about getting my period soon, I wanted to say, "Really? That's what happens next? Gee, I didn't know that." She said I should make a follow up appt. with my RE in a couple of weeks. Yeah, I'll get right on that, so I can listen to him tell me there's no good reason I can't get pregnant and the next step is donor eggs, which I would never do. She barely got the speech finished before I hung up on her.

I'm officially barren and officially done. Except for the fact that I'm going to write to my doc and tell him I think it's shameful that he didn't call me himself to tell me, after all the time and money I've spent at that clinic

Oh, and my coworker is definitely pregnant after her first IVF. Good thing I'll be looking for a new job.

I'm angry and I'm bitter, and I don't see that changing anytime soon, especially with the holidays and my 39th birthday coming up. I hate the world, and there is no justice.

Statiscally Speaking

What are the chances that both my co-worker, who did her first IVF at the same time as me,  and I will both be pregnant?  I'm guessing slim to none.  Well, guess what?  Looks like she's pregnant.  As far as I'm concerned, it's just another sign that my rotten luck will continue.  I am so pessimisstic right now I've basically given up. 

Oh, and I just started spotting today, which is just about the right timing for me before my period.  I am already gearing myself up for the inevitable disappointment.  I keep replaying the moment over and over again when my RE will call me with the bad news, like that's going to make it any easier.

Just My Luck

I forgot to mention that the day of my transfer, I went up to the clinic because I was hurting so much I could hardly walk. It started right after the retrieval. I had never had that kind of pain before. I wondered if maybe I had a UTI. I spent hours at the clinic because they wouldn't see me until all the monitoring for the day was finished. I had an ultrasound, which showed nothing, then they took a urine sample, did a dip there at the clinic, which was negative, and sent it off to the lab for culture. My RE, who did my transfer that day and was at the clinic that morning (but only briefly) said he'd let me know about the culture when he got the results. Well, my symptoms went away and I basically forgot about, until I got a call from the IVF nurse THIS MORNING -- ONE WEEK LATER -- saying that the culture had come back positive for a UTI. Apparently, my RE was out of town and didn't get the results until today. She asked me if I was still experiencing symptoms and I told her no and we talked about the fact that my pregnancy test is Thursday. She decided to call my RE to doublecheck with him to make sure I should still take antibiotics, called me back and told me that yes, I was going to have to take them.

I am pissed off. A week later they finally get around to telling me? How has this affected my chances? I need this like I need a hole in the head. This is not good. I will call my RE tomorrow to ask him, but I am not happy about this. If this doesn't work, I almost feel like they owe me another cycle. (Yeah, like that's going to happen.) This is not fair.

Out Here in Limboland

So one minute I'm convinced that this hasn't worked, and the next I'm cautiously optimistic.  I have no symptoms.  Because of selective memory, I can't remember how I felt the other two times I did this.  I have blocked it out.  Am I supposed to feel pregnant?  No, it's too early.  But surely I would know.  No, don't be stupid, there's no way of knowing.  This isn't working, I know it.  What?  Don't be so sure.  Are you psychic?  How do you know?  Wouldn't I know?  Wouldn't I feel different?  How did you feel the one time you were pregnant?  Well, it doesn't matter because that wasn't a normal pregnancy, so you can't go by that anyway  Yes, but I do remember that I was surprised that my period was late and I had no pregnancy symptoms until after I missed my period.  That's a good thing, right?  Yes, but this is not a natural cycle, this is ART.

Those are the thoughts I'm having.  Crazy, but not unexpected.  I'm desperate for a positive sign, and yet I know nothing will be definitive until I take the blood test or, heaven forbid, get my period.

I'm going to go insane with the waiting.

Post-transfer Update

Right after transfer, I wrote out a post, but for some reason, it didn't go through.  Transfer was Sunday.  I was very happy because my own RE was doing the transfers, which was a nice surprise.  He's such a funny, personable guy and let's face it, he knows my uterus like the back of his hand!  I can't help thinking that it makes a bit of a difference.  I was so relaxed.  Of the four embies, all looked good: 11, 8, 8, 7 cells respectively, with little fragmentation.  My doc was pleased.  I raised an eyebrow when he said he wanted to transfer all four.  He chuckled and said, "Listen at this point I'd be happy with a 50% success rate." I'm with him on that.  At the end,  he asked me if I had any questions and I said, "No, just think good thoughts for me."  He said he would. 

I started the estrogen patch today.  I am really trying to stay relaxed and not focus on it.  I am trying to brace myself in case it's negative, which I know is nearly impossible, but I'm trying anyway.  I can't decide if it's a good thing that it's the busy holiday season so that I am distracted, or if it will just suck even more if this doesn't work.  Sigh.

4 out 5 Ain't Bad

Of the 5 oocytes, 4 fertilized with ICSI, 1 was immature -- again, no surprises here. Transfer is Sunday and I'm trying to keep from obsessing about all of this. I am hoping the quality will be better than before, but I just have to keep telling myself that there are no guarantees and that I have no control over what happens. To be honest, I am dreading the 2ww. It's such a hard time. I'm going to try to distract myself as much as possible and keep busy, but this will be the fifth 2ww for me and it doesn't really get easier. I'm not going to even try to kid myself about that.