Unexplained Chaos

Post-transfer Update

Right after transfer, I wrote out a post, but for some reason, it didn't go through.  Transfer was Sunday.  I was very happy because my own RE was doing the transfers, which was a nice surprise.  He's such a funny, personable guy and let's face it, he knows my uterus like the back of his hand!  I can't help thinking that it makes a bit of a difference.  I was so relaxed.  Of the four embies, all looked good: 11, 8, 8, 7 cells respectively, with little fragmentation.  My doc was pleased.  I raised an eyebrow when he said he wanted to transfer all four.  He chuckled and said, "Listen at this point I'd be happy with a 50% success rate." I'm with him on that.  At the end,  he asked me if I had any questions and I said, "No, just think good thoughts for me."  He said he would. 

I started the estrogen patch today.  I am really trying to stay relaxed and not focus on it.  I am trying to brace myself in case it's negative, which I know is nearly impossible, but I'm trying anyway.  I can't decide if it's a good thing that it's the busy holiday season so that I am distracted, or if it will just suck even more if this doesn't work.  Sigh.

4 out 5 Ain't Bad

Of the 5 oocytes, 4 fertilized with ICSI, 1 was immature -- again, no surprises here. Transfer is Sunday and I'm trying to keep from obsessing about all of this. I am hoping the quality will be better than before, but I just have to keep telling myself that there are no guarantees and that I have no control over what happens. To be honest, I am dreading the 2ww. It's such a hard time. I'm going to try to distract myself as much as possible and keep busy, but this will be the fifth 2ww for me and it doesn't really get easier. I'm not going to even try to kid myself about that.

Ho Hum

Retrieval went okay. I had made a bet with Hubby beforehand as to how many they'd get and I guessed 6. I was off by one. It was 5. Not very impressive at all (and please don't say, "All it takes is one." -- if I hear that one more time I'll scream. While that may be true in theory, it's not a good sign statistically). In fact, my numbers get worse every time. IVF #1 was 8, IVF #2 was 6. For some reason, I hurt more this time than the last two. Not sure what that's all about. We'll see what the fertilization report is tomorrow...

Houston, We Have Liftoff!

Tomorrow, also known as Thanksgiving Day, will be retrieval.  Transfer will be Sunday or Tuesday, and I'm usually a Day 3, so probably Sunday.  I was a little surprised to get the call last night after my doc said he thought retrieval would be Friday.  I was up at 5:30 this morning to get to the clinic by 7:00am.  My theory is that they tire you out so much, you don't care what happens!  The ultrasound this morning did show some growth.  The largest follie is now 19.5, followed by a couple in the 17-16-15 range and then some much smaller ones.  Okay, that's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. 

I'm not a big believer in horoscopes.  I find them mildly amusing and sometimes, but only sometimes, they are right on the money.  Just for laughs, I"ve pasted my "couples" horoscope below for tomorrow.  I especially like the part about my partner being "along for the ride".  Pretty funny.

I'm feeling a bit more optimistic today.  The real issue is quality and how the embies grow.  Fingers crossed!  Tonight is a shot-free night and I plan to make the most of it.  I see a nice couple of martinis in my hand (not both at once, of course.)   

Daily Love for November 23, 2006

Daily Flirt: Everything good is coming together for you now, and it feels like your plans can't go wrong. Your strong positive energy is helping you push forward through all obstacles, so keep moving. Daily Couples: It's one of those perfect days when everything works to your advantage and you can see the benefits your planning and labor has brought. Your partner is happy to be along for the ride.

Second Verse, Same As the First

Back at the clinic again this AM.  It was a little less packed than yesterday.  I managed to only be 15 minutes late for work.  The doc doing the monitoring this morning was about as optimistic as the doc yesterday.  We had a little conversation about it.  He asked me if Ihad spoken to my doc yet and I said yes and told him what we had decided.  He said, "Well, as long as you are comfortable with that." ( In other words,"I'm not sure it's what I would recommend.")  I told him I was on #3 and that I didn't respond any better this time.  Honestly, I'm not that comfortable with going forward, but since I'm on the most aggressive protocol possible, it's not going to get any better.  He said trigger could be tonight or tomorrow, depending on the bloods.  He said he would talk to my doc.  Hmm...I almost could see my doc calling me and telling me he's changed his mind and that we should cancel --until I think about a doctor admitting they've made a mistake, yea...right...

So, we'll see.  My follicles grew a little overnight.  The biggest one is now at 17mm, with a few other lagging behind.  As the doc said today, there could be a few more on retrieval day, which has happened to me before.  My follistim was lowered last night from my usual 450iu to 375iu.  I'm nowhere near a serious tapering, but I may not get there, either. 

Yup, Just As I Predicted

I got to the clinic at 7:35am.  It was already packed.  I waited forever for my blood draw and ultrasound.  I left there at 9:45am.  It was bedlam.  I really had to wonder what the hell I am doing.  I felt somewhat despondent sitting there with all those desperate women spending thousands of dollars to have babies and thinking that I was one of them.  Is this really worth it?   It may seem strange, but that's how I felt this morning.  Thinking about it now, I realize that part of it was the story my friend told me last night of the woman she met who did 4 IUIs and 8, yes that 's 8 IVFs, 3 or 4 of those with donor eggs.  The donor eggs finally resulted in twin boys. She thought about adopting and backed out twice.  She has spent $700,000 or more to have kids that are not even genetically hers.  I'm sorry, but that is literally insane.  At the very least, think about all the drugs she's injected.  Yuk.

The ultrasound was, again, unimpressive.  The few follies I have grew a little overnight.  Two on the right measuring 13 and 14mm, one or two on the left around 12 and 13 and then a few smaller ones less than 10mm.  The doc doing the monitoring this morning was a bit more optimistic and said retrieval would probably be Thursday or Friday. 

I asked my doc to call me.  The conversation went exactly as I predicted it would: there's no alternative, this is as good as it gets for me, no don't cancel, let's keep going, retrieval will more than likely be Friday, yadda, yadda, yadda.  So inspiring and hopeful.  I almost cried after we hung up but then thought better of it. Screw it. There is little to no hope and I just have to accept that.  If it doesn't work, then that's that.  I wanted closure and dammit, I'm going to get it one way or another.  I'm not even going to pretend to think postively.  It is what it is. 

Groundhog Day?

I went to the clinic this morning. For the third time in a row, someone struck up a conversation with me. This time, however, I had no interest in talking. For one thing, I was tired. Also, she was leaning into me and looking at what I was reading. I was actually a bit weirded out. Then, she started talking to me, telling me about how her kids (all 2 or 3 of them) were exhausting her. Okay, I know some of these women have a kid or two already, but does she NEED to tell me about them, when I can't even seem to have ONE kid, much less try for number 3 or 4? I was doing my best to be polite, but I wasn't engaging her and she just kept right on talking. What I wanted to say was, "Lady, I'm sorry but I've been through 2 IUIs, 1 ectopic pregnancy that resulted in one less fallopian tube and now I'm on IVF #3 with no kids and I have no sympathy for you so SHUT THE FUCK UP and think about what you are saying while you're sitting in a waiting room full of infertile women!!!"

And this was before I had my ultrasound and found out that my response is no better to this protocol than it was the last two times. It's not good. I've got 3 or 4 semi-decent follies around 13mm on day 10. That's it. The doc doing the monitoring was not optimistic and when said I was going to talk to my doc, he said, "Yes, that's a good idea. Call him tomorrow morning." Great, just great.

This is fucking deja vu. I'm in some bizarre time loop and I'm just going around and around. I'm so disgusted. I have no optimism at this point. I feel like we should just cancel and move on to adoption. I might as well be injecting myself with saliene solution. Hey, maybe I should try that...

The clinic called and they want me on the same doses as usual, back tomorrow for blood and ultrasound. Needless to say, I'll be calling my doc tomorrow. We'll probably have the same conversation we've had the last 2 times:

Me: This is not good.
Doc: Well, it's not great.
Me: Is this worth it?
Doc: I think so. It's hard to say, but I think you should keep going.
Me: Okay, what the hell, might as well go for it.
END RESULT: BFN

Or, he'll finally get real, stop worrying about his success rate, and tell me to give it up. Who knows? The whole thing is a big fat crap shoot.

I'm so tired. I'm so sick of nothing going right. Why can't I have some good luck for a change? I'm tired of being negative but it's hard not to be until something actually goes right for once.

Nightmares and Premonitions

The other night I had a nightmare.  I was at the clinic, which was packed as usual, and they forgot about me.  I was waiting and waiting but they never called me. I got pissed off and finally demanded to talk to my RE.  Then, they took blood and did such a bad job that my whole arm was bleeding.  When I woke up, I wondered if it was some kind of premonition or omen.  I'm not psychic, but I do have very good intuition.   

I had my first ultrasound since my CD2 start this morning.  I've got about 8 follies, all but 2 are less than 10mm, but the doc didn't seem concerned.  This is about what I had last time.   At least there's been some growth.  The new protocol has not made them grow any faster, that's for sure, not that that's any marker for success.  As usual, trigger won't be until CD12 or 13, or possibly later --  which is good work-wise.  Retrieval may be Thanksgiving Day, which will be weird, but we don't have much choice in the matter.  I just hope the RE doing the retrievals isn't too pissed off about being there.  You never know what a doctor in a bad mood might do.

Two more women engaged me in conversation this morning at the clinic.  Maybe I have such a world-weary look on my face (either that, or they feel sorry for me!) that they think I will be able to give them insight or something.  Ha!  Anyway, one of the women was from Canada.  She said the health insurance there won't pay for ANY infertility treatments.  I was surprised.  She had two friends from home who came to the clinic and had success.  That's nice to hear.  She also has the same doc as me, even though she has never met him.  I find this bizzare.  What a way to operate.  How can these patients feel like human beings if they've never even met their doctor?  Welcome to the world of infertility in the big city.

 

It's Madness I Tell You, Madness

Word of advice: find out ahead of time if you are going to have to get your meds via mail order.  I am so incredibly lucky that I had lots of Follistim and some Menopur left over from my last attempt.  If not, I would have had to pay out of pocket for them because I didn't know until I went to fill them on Saturday that they were mail order only.  One vial of the Menopur alone is $50.  Yes, that's right, 50, that's 5-0 dollars.  Of course, it was a weekend and the prescription administration place was closed for the weekend.  They're in Texas, by the way.  I won't even go into what I've been through to get my scrips, which includes the fact that the clinic had the WRONG FAX number for them, after I asked that they call them and they insisted that they fax them.  Then, there was the issue that Texas state law requires there be a name on the fax, so the people in Texas had to call the clinic to get a name.  Suffice it to say I have spent WAY TOO many hours dealing with this mess and the people in Texas had to get an override from my insurance company so that I could pick up my Menopur tonight.  The rest is coming by UPS to my office, which should be interesting. 

They say stress is a factor in infertility.  Well, my stress level has reached near-epic proportions the last 4 days.  So far, this is not going smoothly.  I hope it's not an omen.  I go in tomorrow for bloodwork.  I also realized that the way this cycle is going, I may not see my doc the entire time, unless he does the retrieval or the transfer.  That's slightly annoying and disturbing, but it's not like it made a difference before.

On a more pleasant note, I met some women at the clinic on Saturday.  Nice ladies, some of them were from out of town.  I think all but one of them already had 1 child and were working on #2, most of whom had been conceived through the clinic.  One of them was a poor responder like me, did an estrogen priming protocol for her third try (like me) and had a child, hopfefully like I will.  One of the women asked me if this was the first time I had ever had a conversation with anyone in the waiting room.  Sad to say, the answer was "yes".  I've been going to the clinic for 3 years now, between the IUIs, the ectopic and the IVFs, and I haven't met a single person, not that I've tried very hard.  I'm not saying I'm expecting to make life-long pals, although I know some women have -- it's just nice to feel a little less alone, and a little less like a number.

Not Feeling Good About This

I am getting my period.  I am spotting and tomorrow should be CD1.  This is not good, as I will have only been on the patch for 5 days before I start stims on Sat.  I feel like the whole estrogen priming thing isn't going to work, and I will not respond any better to the stims than I did before.  Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but I can say that if I don't respond well, I'll be talking to my doc and canceling rather than just going through with it for the hell of it.  It's too much money to throw down the drain.  I vacillate between being hopeful and very down.  Maybe that's just the hormones talking.  Maybe I'm just scared shitless.